I was reading this and started to think that I definitely need boundaries in my life. Throughout my teen years, I had no boundaries set by my parents and ignored any set by teachers. I still did pretty well in school, all things considered. I was a party girl. I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. It really destroyed me in so many ways, but that’s a completely different story!

So, going from being a teenager knowing no boundaries, less how to set her own, is a very difficult thing! It want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I don’t want anyone to stop me. I often make plans spontaneously and others are often puzzled at how I plough on as hard as I can until I get what I want, in the timescale I’ve aimed for. Not only that, but people tend to think that I’m quite self-centred at times. It’s probably true.

I really want to change that. I feel as though my life is too much about myself, but not enough about myself, in so many ways. That might not make sense at first, but what I mean is that I am so busy trying to do what I want to do, not only am I disregarding others’ feelings and plans, but I am ignoring what I need to do for myself. I desperately want meaning and direction in life. I have neither, and I am hoping that my first step in the right direction with finding these things is to start settings boundaries. I think that my first boundary/goal is to try and write in this blog on a regular basis. I would say something along the lines of once per week, but I don’t want to turn this into a chore, by any means. I think that Tuesdays may also be the best day to write, too. WoW is offline most of the day and so I can’t go on it. I really hate WoW in so many ways.

My second boundary/goal is to clean something in the house every day or do some sort of exercise. It has to be some sort of cardio activity; it has to get my heart rate up at least a little bit. I was recently told by someone I met in Austin, that exercise is a great mood stabiliser and sleep aid. I would most definitely like to try this out! I know that when I get my anger/crying bouts, cleaning always cheers me up. For some reason, I turn to cleaning for solace when in these weird moods.

Third, I would like to always be working my way through a book. It can be about any topic of interest. I love books. They help me in so many ways, but I put off reading and tend to engage in less productive activities (such as playing WoW).

Lastly, I’d love to spend more time with my boyfriend. Playing WoW doesn’t count, of course. I love to do nothing with him, and I love cuddling up and watching films with him, but he likes to play WoW in his free time. Sometimes, I ask if we can spend time together. He usually says yes and that he will finish what he’s doing. I know there’s been a couple of times that I’ve asked this and he’s said yes, and I’ve ended up waiting up very late for him to tell me he has to be up early in the morning and wants to go to bed. That really hurts my feelings, especially as I sit and wait patiently whilst getting him cups of tea and any food he might want whilst playing on the computer. I love doing it for him, but I want something in return; just a little bit of time for us to love each other. I suppose I’ll have to think of a way I can get him to spend more time with me. I’m going to try to talk to him about it. I just need to decide on how to approach this issue.

I’ll definitely be re-reading this blog to make sure that I take what I’ve written seriously, and to think about it some more. It’s important that I do these things. I can’t just remain stagnant, ignoring my soul screaming “I need to break free from this shit!“.

I’m not going to study. I haven’t studied. Okay, I studied for a couple of hours, but I’ve “given up”. I don’t like to call it that because in fact, I’ve not given up at all. I’m only doing what I truly want to do. Other people will see it as giving up, however. So, I study biomedical science at the University of Essex, in Colchester. I picked it because it seemed interesting, and the name would make me sound clever. I thought it was kinda cool. I do not want to be a biomedical scientist. My main reason being that I am against animal testing. I don’t want to get into that in this post. This post isn’t about animal testing. Another reason is that I can’t get out of bed in the mornings. Don’t get me wrong, when I actually go into university, I enjoy almost all of my lectures, and all of my practical work. It’s bloody fascinating! Still, I have this massive phobia of getting out of bed and just going. It doesn’t matter how early or late in the day it is, I often just can’t bring myself to get out of bed.

There is something wrong with that. A couple of months ago, I figured I’d “see how I do” in my January exams. I don’t expect that I would have done badly at all, perhaps better than a lot of people that studied way harder than me. I find most of what we’ve studied very easy (and still very interesting). I just can’t motivate myself to study, and so I don’t think that it’s fair on me to go to these exams and do just as well as everyone else. The reason being that I know that I could easily get upper firsts (75%+) in everything. I’ve been averaging 90% in everything I’ve had marked so far. I think that it will make me feel very depressed to see my grades for these exams. I don’t have to put myself through that, and I simply won’t do it. People have been telling me that having a degree in anything is a good thing, but having a degree in anything is not want I want. I certainly don’t want a badly done degree in anything. I would rather have no degree than a degree that is not a reflection of my true abilities.

I don’t understand why people say that they wish they could go to university. People act like it’s so out of the question. I don’t see why people don’t just up and quit what they are doing and go to university. Granted, for some it’s harder than others, but I highly doubt it’s nearly as impossible as people make out. I just wish that they wouldn’t try to guilt me into doing something I do not want to do, just because it’s something they think they should have done. I am not on this planet to make up for the mistakes of others’.

So, I need to spend the next couple of weeks collecting my things from university, not attending any of the exams that are happening this week.

Nobody really wants to read blogs about me. Why the heck would they? I’m boring as hell. So, this blog will just be about an opinion of mine!

One thing that really irks me is cheating. That is, when someone in a relationship has sex with someone else…Or kisses, whatever. But what annoys me more than cheating, is when someone cheats on a partner who is deployed – i.e. The partner is in the military and is away for 4-18 months in one go! Now, for the person deployed, everything stands still…Or, so I’ve heard. I can imagine that it does, but can’t imagine how that would feel. So, a person leaves the country, leaves their partner behind. When they return, not a whole lot has changed in terms of their emotions…Hell, I’m sure a deployment must do crazy things to a person, but as far as friendships, relationships, etc, not much can change, surely? I mean, they can’t see people, talk to people, interact with people back home all that much, so how can much change?

For the person at home, things carry on almost as normal…A lot of the time, their partner might not seem there for them. Well, they might not be there for them. There’s gonna be a lot of emotional and physical stress on them…They can’t just go up the pub with a few friends. So, when the partner back home feels shitty, they can do that and have a bit of an escape…But at the same time, they need to be considerate of their partner’s feelings, which might be somewhat different to what they are used to. I guess that this might lead to cheating…The person left back home feeling alone and needing a “friend”. Then, the friendship turning into more…

Well, I’m sure that a lot of the time, the deployed partner waits for that one short phone call home that they get because it keeps them going. It’s not a heck of a lot to be living for, but what else is there? So, when they get that call and hear that there is someone else, what the heck do they do? They can’t do a god damned thing…Couldn’t have done a thing to stop it. I bet that that can make a person hide from their own emotions…But damn.

I guess I don’t really know why that pisses me off so much. It’s not like I’ve ever been in that position…Not even close. I know a couple of people who’ve been cheated on whilst deployed. Makes my blood boil…

Check this out, anyhow.

I know that some of you may know that I’ve had heartburn constantly for the past couple of years. Well, I got a diganosis about a month ago. I have Gastroesophageal reflux disease, and will have it for the rest of my life. It’s quite daunting, really. I’m going to try and control it by changing my diet, and taking 40mg of Nexium daily for the rest of my life. I might get the operation, but it will make my stomach 2/3 of the size it is now, and at 96lbs with a BMI of 15.5, I really don’t think I can afford for my stomach to shrink any more!

I hate having eating problems. :’( It’s really getting me down. I hate food so much right now. I wish I never had to eat ever again. I just need to vent a bit. I still feel lost. I don’t want scars on my stomach. But should I really be that superficial? Why should I be in pain every day and night for the rest of my life for the sake of having a nice looking stomach?

The operation is called nissen fundoplication. I have an appointment with my gastroenterologist on Friday, so hopefully I will cheer up after talking things through with him. I might just say fuck the weight loss…I don’t care how much I lose. I’ll go on an IV if I need to. I just need to get better.

I’ll go and look at pictures of the scars that I’ll have, and whatnot!

C’est tout!

Well, I broke up with my boyfriend on the third, and went to my local pub that night with a friend. I was wanting to be single and happy (and still am), but saw a new face in the pub. Now, I’d not been there for about nine months, because my ex-boyfriend was controlling. Our relationship had been dead long before I finally ended it…

So, yes. I walked into the pub and saw this new face. I ended up saying hi, because I wanted to know who he was, and he was talking to some people I know. We chatted for a bit and then we all left the pub (not together). I thought he was cute from the moment I first talked to him, and I went to the pub again on Tuesday, Thursday and Friday hoping he’d be there. He was there on the Friday…I’d pulled myself off of WoW to go and see if he was there.

I then called my friend, and I gave him a lift home (he lives in the village), and he got me a drink of Jägermeister (as he’d invited me back to his for some). My friend met us there, and we stayed for a while. We then met up again on Sunday and went to a nice pub in a nearby village. He was so sweet…Just kinda touching my hand, but not being overly…Ew…I guess. So, we got back and walked in the door of his house, and he leaned and gave me a kiss! It was only a peck, though was on the lips. Then, other…things…happened. Couldn’t help myself…He was too amazing! Hehe. Sorry.

Then, he asked me if I wanted to come away with him the following weekend, and I agreed. That week, he spent about 1000 pounds on the plane tickets and hotel for the weekend. We went to Marseille. That was really fun. We got back late on Monday night!

Since then, I’ve not seen him, but I really am excited to see him again.

I’m all smitten and it’s annoying because I want to be independent, like I was last week! I’m more than smitten, in fact. I’m falling for him. I think about him all the time, and it’s driving me insane.

So, that’s the details thus far!

I’m really fucking pissed off right now. I was paying 7 pounds a month (about $10.00) to insure my iPhone. It broke a few months ago, but I didn’t claim because the insurance people wanted me to reset the thing before trying to claim (to see if the problem was fixed) and I didn’t want to lose my music because my computer broke and I would have had to do it through another computer. Anyhow, they wouldn’t let me claim because I left it longer than two weeks to try to claim. I wish I’d known that!

Oh well, I guess I’ll have to hope that it gets smashed into tiny pieces. I know I’ll claim within one day after that! I’m not a happy panda!

I see that a new iPhone is coming out this year. I’ll get that one. It better be free, or I’ll be very angry!

Today, I bought Cambridge Folk Festival tickets. I can’t wait for that because I go every year, and know some really awesome people that always go! Plus, The Saw Doctors will be there again. I last saw them there when I was eight, in 1998!

I am also going to be buying tickets to the Royal International Air Tattoo. I love planes. What can I say? I annoy myself. I could even annoy someone that loves planes by talking about planes too much. Anyway, I booked tickets for last year, but the entire thing was cancelled because of flooding! I was so gutted, but went to the Duxford airshow instead, which was nowhere near as good as the Air Tattoo would have been. Anyhow, I will definitely be going this year. I just have nobody to go with! :p I’ll get loads of pictures for you all to see. Here’s a picture of a boring F-22 to keep you happy:

I also just remembered…I knew this guy that went last year because he was working there. He was a KC-135 boom operator (would love to do that job). He got wasted because they cancelled it, and he proposed to me. I told him how it was, and to pull his head out of his arse if he cared about our friendship. He didn’t, so I’ve not talked to him since! Crazy.

So, I went to Marseille on Friday, 15th May, 2009. We got back on Monday, 18th. Todd, who I’ve just met, invited me away! He paid for the whole thing, which made me feel really bad. I didn’t have much money at all, but tried to pay for things when I could. So, I barely had enough for cigarettes from the local shop when I got back! It was really awesome, especially the company! We looked around and did touristy things. We walked everywhere, though. Didn’t get buses, trains or taxis! It was nice. I guess I loved sitting in the sun just reading (I feel old), eating, or even just sitting. I also enjoyed going to the bars on Saturday and Sunday night…But you can expect that from me. I like alcohol way too much!

I don’t have many of the pictures, as almost all of them were taken on Todd’s digital camera, but here are some from the hotel at night:

I know that they aren’t great quality, but you can’t get very high quality out of a 2 mega-pixel iPhone camera!

I’ll post a new blog soon with the rest of the pictures.

Lastly, I wanted to just say that the best part of the weekend was watching the EastEnders omnibus in the hotel room! I don’t ever watch EastEnders, but I loved getting to lie there, cuddling up with Todd. Hehe…I’m silly.

So, do you remember the first time you fell in love? I was just thinking about this today whilst updating my iPhone. I’ve been sitting on the computer all evening just itching to talk to anyone and everyone about the new man I’ve just met. We met on the 3rd May, 2009, at the local pub! We saw each other again that Friday, too. At the pub, again. I was kinda hoping he was there…I’d have just sat on World of Warcraft all evening if I didn’t think he’d be there. Anyhow, before I know it, he’s invited me to Marseille, France for the weekend. I didn’t know whether to believe that it was actually going to happen because of the price (as he was paying), the fact that I barely knew him, etc. But sure enough, we did go. Only when we were leaving for Stanstead airport did it really feel like reality, though still completely insane!

I digress…I have been meaning to talk about first loves! So, tonight, I thought of my first love. His name was Daniel, and we met on holiday in Somerset when I was thirteen, which would have been the summer of 2003. I remember spending every day that week with him. We’d just talk, walk around, and it was all very cute. I don’t even think we kissed. But nonetheless, it was love. Even if it was short lived. I believe we were together for about three months in total, but that was my first relationship! I was so shy when I was younger. The thing that really made me think, though, was how I couldn’t stop thinking about him, talking about him. I even memorised his number in case my phone broke! It’s all a thing of the past, but I do miss the innocence of it all.

I guess I feel the same way about this new man, whose name is Todd by the way. I’m all smitten and it’s driven me to actually starting this blog. I bought this domain a while back, but haven’t had anything to write about! I guess that I will have a lot to say from now on. I’m sorry that this blog was so boring! I promise that the next one will be more interesting.